Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Why Men Criticize Their SAHM Wives

Found this articles on Fb and would like to share it in my blog. If given me a choice , i don't think i will want to be a SAHM. 
I can imagine how it feels to just stay at home ( working like a maid ) / babysitter and at the same time not getting paid . 
It is a joy to actually earn your own money and spend it .( somehow is different if you take your husband money ) I know how it feel to able to spend your own money without someone controlling your spending). 

Maybe if i have children next time i might change my mind but i doubt it. 

Men (example my Marcus) also agree that he will think like how others think , that SAHM job is just damm simple. Camon !!! how hard can it be rite to clean the house and take care of the kids ?? 
They will just never understand and they " look down " on these women who they think their job is so simple. 

Many couples who see me for counseling are struggling with the demands of parenting small children.  Frequently, the husband works outside the home, in a classic financial provider role, and the wife stays at home with kids under 5.  There can be a great deal of conflict when the men criticize their wives, which then often leads to the wives retreating in hurt and anger (and then, of course, not wanting to have sex, among other issues).
In this article, I'm discussing a specific subset of SAHM's: the ones that enjoy being home with the kids, but aren't great at housekeeping or sticking to a routine.  The criticism usually doesn't start until the man thinks the wife is "supposed to" be dealing better with things and have her life more under control, so basically anytime after about 3 months post-partum.  The older the kids get, the more angry men get when their wives don't seem to "have it together," and then they say things like this:
- "If she's home all day, why is the house a mess?"
- "Why is she always running late or cancelling things?  She's home all day."
- "Why can't she make dinner if she's home all day?"
- "Why doesn't she get out more and do more activities with the kids?"
- "All she does is go on Facebook."
- "She doesn't care about her looks."  (Read the comments under this article for examples of this criticism.)
- "My mom kept the house spotless, kept all us kids in line, and had dinner ready every night."
For the sake of argument, let's assume that all of these things are true.  They often are.  But, there are a few important truths about stay at home moms that could help husbands understand what's going on.
1. Being a good housekeeper and organizer is often incompatible with being a good SAHM, by today's definition.
Today's SAHM's are supposed to play with their kids, a lot.  They are also supposed to feed their kids healthy food and limit screen time.  Furthermore, small kids aren't allowed to play alone outside anymore, and toddler and babies never were.  Independent time for babies used to be an hour in a playpen and now it's 15 minutes while mom is nearby.  If your wife is a devoted SAHM, she is playing pretend, making crafts, and preparing veggies for your kid's snack.  She therefore doesn't have the time that your own mom had to make three wonderful meals per day for a family of five, vacuum the house top to bottom daily, and get the laundry done.  Relatedly...
2. SAHM's are isolated.
It is very recent that women with small kids were left completely alone during the day.  People used to live near extended family, or with them.  Your wife is lonely and overwhelmed because it's unnatural for one adult and one or two or three kids to be together for ten hours a day.  Your wife has nobody to help make lunch, or watch a kid for a second, or anything.  This, when you think about it, is a bizarre way to raise kids, but it's what she's working with here.  If she doesn't go on Facebook, she doesn't have any social life at all.  Yeah, she could go to a Mom's group.  But that's about an hour twice a week or something.  People also used to have many more kids, so a preteen could help with the baby.  Now, that's a rare situation. Incidentally, many women have undiagnosed post-partum depression or anxiety, and this is not helped by feeling alone.
3. SAHM's are often Type B, to counterbalance their Type A husbands.
Two Type A people don't often work well together.  In a lot of couples I see with the critical-husband/hurt-SAHM-wife dynamic, the husband is high-powered and Type A, and very motivated but also kind of self-absorbed.  The reason he was drawn to his wife is that she was calm, caring, and listened to him talk about himself a lot.  She was also probably flexible, and built her schedule around his. All this flexibility and go-with-the-flow nature doesn't lend itself to remembering to defrost something for dinner every day. But it does make you calm and patient with kids.
4. SAHM's are very tired.
Often, the husband who asks, "Why can't she go to the gym?" holds himself up as an example of a busy guy who makes time for physical fitness.  But if you ask when he goes to the gym, it's before work.  So who's getting up with the kids even earlier and is even more tired?  His wife.  When you're tired, you don't want to work out.  You don't want to deal with dropping the kids at gym daycare, where they may throw a fit.  All you want to do is get through the day as best you can, hopefully without losing your mind.  On my maternity leaves and my days home with my kids, I am far more tired then during my days at work.  Work is intellectually challenging and not physical.  SAHMing is the reverse, and is exhausting as a result.
5. SAHMing works best for people who go with the flow.
Laid back people are great with kids, for the long haul, day in and day out, and in stressful situations.  People like these Type A husbands, and myself, and many women who say that they would go nuts if they didn't work, are good with kids IN TIME LIMITED AMOUNTS WHEN THERE IS LIMITED EXTERNAL STRESS.  So, Type A people can have an awesome adventure or do a cool project with their kids, but get itchy when a whole day stretches before them, with all of the snack-making, refereeing sibling fights, wiping up spills, taking kids potty that an entire day entails.  Type A people often cannot be home with kids unless they can take them from activity to activity (this is how I schedule my days with the kids).  Type B people, like the wives I'm talking about in this article, provide a calm, warm, flexible environment for kids to engage in unstructured play, which is important for their developing brains.
So before you criticize your SAHM wife for not keeping a tight ship, think about these factors.  It is more likely that your kids will remember cuddle time and laughter with mom than whether she had dinner on the table at 6 every night or there was dust on the shelves.  And remember, at work, people likely smile at you, or at the very least, they don't scream at you and piss on you, literally.  People say "thank you" or "good work" to you sometimes.  You may even get a promotion now and again.  Your wife gets none of this.  She also doesn't get any financial rewards for her work.  So why not thank her for giving your children a loving, present parent, and cut her a break.
Share this if you agree!  Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Kids Who Grow Up With An Easy Going Parent Will Be Less Stressed People.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, FacebookTwitter, and Pinterest. Pre-order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Bibis Fashion & Bakery Cafe @ Kelawai Road, Penang

Friday morning before facial , i head over to Bibis Cafe located opposite Gurney Paragon for breakfast . Wanted to try out this place for a very long time. 
They serve both breakfast and dinner .

Breakfast menu is whole day which starts at 8am .
We reach at 9am and we are their first customer. 
They even have their own bakery . See the amount of english muffins on the table. 
both of us order cafe latte - i think around RM10/RM9 . Reasonable but not cheap.Quality wise normal , nothing special.
 Marcus order big breakfast RM25 per set . Comes with pork bacons , sausages , scramble egg , bake beans and 3 slices of banquette.

Mine is ciabatta bread with bolognese sause and melted cheese. RM 19. Not cheap cos taste kosong . No meat nothing but the bread is nice. Crispy outside and soft inside. 

our meals come up to total RM56. 

Bibis Fashion & Bakery Cafe
Add : 87-D , Kelawai Road , Penang . Opposite Gurney Paragon.

Weekend , they have special menu , they sell Kau Jam ( famous nasi kerabu from Kelantan) .
So , going to try out soon

Monkey Beach Hike @ Penang National Park

Raya holiday starts last week . Since we both didint balik kampung , we decide to go for our cuti cuti Pulau Pinang . 

Left home around 3pm after my facial treatment and tapao Mac D for tea time . 

Trafic is heavy especially along Batu Feringgi . We reach the entrance of  the national park around 4pm .
Entrance is free , we just have to register at the counter.

we brought out return ticket from the entrance of the park , RM35 for 2 person from monkey beach.

Semangat to start the walk - lucky the weather is so good . Sky is blue and not tht hot.

 We head to the right - Monkey Beach. After this sign the hike is killing.

beautiful beach along the hike . This beach is near the entrance of the park . Water is very clear and calm .

Saw few baby lizards along the beach. Wonder where is their mama.

 After 1 hour hike , we reach Teluk Aling . Damm tiring the hike especially the high humidity in the forest make it worst .
 We tot that monkey beach is just 30 mins walk , but manatahu is another 2km hike .

Another 1 hour hike until i reach this sign tht point we both wish tht we just paid rm80 for the boat ride to monkey beach. 

Joy of eating our tea break at 6pm. I dunno whether is normal or not but we took like 2 hours hike to monkey beach . This is the best fillet o fish ever tasted .

enjoying the view from the hammock , so relaxing .
left monkey beach at 6.45pm and the ride just took 10 mins ...

This is how we spend our 2015 Raya holiday

Get to Know me !!!

14 July 2015 - age 31 , weights 37kg and height of 149cm Loves to eat delicious foods and enjoy reading . Owes 3 female betta fishes , 2 buggies , 1 maltese . You can reach me at :